The gym. It’s defined as a place for aspiring individuals any race, gender, religion, etc. to
seek self-improvement. The gym is a place for those who wish to not only improve their physical structure but to engage their mind in a therapy that ironically eating a pint of ice cream would bring. BUT THIS IS THE INSTAGRAM AGE, AND THOSE IDEALS OF GYM-GOING ARE DEAD.
Ladies first. It appears the official gym uniform for the childbearing sex are high waisted
yoga pants. This is the female version of self-made tank tops that guys obviously make to go to the gym as shirtless as possible. Ladies, if comfort is the alibi to showing off your goods then fine by us (‘us’ are your followers on Instagram who will watch your side twists in the mirror showing off your bum). Nevertheless, can anyone remember the last time you have seen a woman who appears under the age of 30 attempts an upper body exercise? Thanks to the Kardashians, young woman around the world who do not have the capital for a 90210 butt job have resorted to squats, donkey kicks, and very exaggerated lunges. You ladies should be complimented on your outstanding neck flexibility from turning around and looking at your backside after every rep. #DoItForTheGram
Fellas, you are not off the hook. It is okay to feel nostalgic about the hours you spent
lifting weights at your high school gym all while aspiring for that Division I scholarship. If craft beer drinking and Tinder swiping were a sport, 96.8% of you could have accomplished just that. Now you go to the gym to salvage your pride and live out the dream that is lives in you to go Pro. Deep down, you realized that you simply…suck. So to mask those insecurities, young men nationwide have discovered C.R.O.S.F.I.T. (Creating Reckless Obsession, Showing False Idiotic Tenacity). Chalk anybody? Because we have all seen the Gym Bros who must rub their hands in
white powder before every set. Most of those men moved back in with their mothers after
college so it is probable they are using her baking flour. The objective of all their lifts: drop the weight as hard as you can on the ground so the entire gym knows how much you are lifting. Remember, the more weight equals the louder the BOOM! #DontLiftItDropIt
Kardashian Bum Work Out
3 sets X 10 Squats (must hold an iPhone equipped with a LuMee phone case in selfie position)
3 sets X 10 Donkey Kicks
3 sets X 10 Lunges (Lunges are not about the number of reps but the number of eyes on you as you do them)
C.R.O.S.F.I.T. Workout
100 reps of picking up the heaviest dumbbell you can manage to live and when nobody is
looking, drop it on the floor!
10 minutes of bicep curls in the most inconvenient place in the gym you can find (I.E. in front of the check-in desk, handicap parking spot)
Jordan Sartor-Francis
